Profile
22 Watches The Armstrongs - Episode 3
We’d
like to start off this week’s column by saying how pleased we are
that our TV Critic’s Corner seems to be attracting attention from
various sections of the industry.
And, as you’ll have seen from last week’s Glazine, we seem to
have rubbed certain Coventry-based fabricators up the wrong way…
Let me take this opportunity to assure you John and Ann - we at Profile
22 don’t hate you – quite the contrary. We merely point out
that you have (like it or not) become the unwitting public representatives
of an industry facing an uncertain future.
We respect the fact you have built a successful business over the last
decade and empathise with you about the difficulties you have faced along
the way.
As you’ll know, the market has definitely changed since you started
and, with the average achieved retail price for a frame today some 45
per cent less than ten years ago, we only suggest the sustainable solution
is to offer higher quality products and services to defend margins where
possible. This avoids the all too familiar situation where more must be
produced, for the same or less return, in a market where demand is shrinking.
With that out of the way, let us move on to the latest episode of the
Armstrongs, where we find our protagonists faced with the prospect organising
the annual staff Christmas party and the reality that, in the face of
continually slumping sales figures, jobs will have to go.
Despite having to deal with these fundamental operational issues, the
husband and wife team find themselves distracted from the day to day running
of their business by the latest in a series of schemes and events that
take their attention directly away from the front line and the issues
affecting their profits - this week: a scruffy dog arrives in the yard.
Predictably, all focus on the business is lost as all attention is switched
to U-Fit’s new furry friend. Pooch beauticians are quickly called
in and John even takes the time to design a doggy conservatory for the
mangy mutt.
Meanwhile, with the sales force failing to convert enough leads and proclaimed
'almost dead' by consultant turned hired tell-tale Basil Mienie, John
thinks he has just the idea to perk them up – a good talking to.
Using time-honoured staff development techniques, John calls his incredibly
un-motivated team to task, setting them the challenge of converting 40,000
leads before Christmas. How does he expect this feat to be achieved? A.
by threatening to sack them all and B. giving them a seasonal promotion
offering more discounts on already heavily discounted product (watch those
margins John).
Unsurprisingly, his motivational speech seems to have the reverse effect,
generating even more animosity between management and sales force. Consultant
Basil seems to be make things even worse, creating new barriers through
the lack of respect the team have for him – illustrated neatly by
one member of staff’s eloquent: 'Basil is chatting s**t.'
Having decided to keep on a lazy sales team at the expense of a shop floor
position, John and Ann decide the ideal way to cultivate a busy selling
environment is to introduce a gong (on which they can record any number
of irritating phrases) designed to alert them each time a sale is chalked
up. This has the unfortunate, if perhaps ironic, effect of disrupting
the one person who actually seems to be doing any work; new boy Michael*
(*the same fellow John considered sacking after only his first day at
U-Fit).
In a moment of empathy, Ann decides to call off the planned Christmas
company exodus to Cork, feeling it would be inappropriate in light of
the redundancy. The question still remains however – what will happen
to the multiples of £16 that Ann has been docking from the staff’s
wages in preparation for the trip?
Postponing the excursion until the New Year, John is struck by yet another
idea – why not take the staff to Lourdes and get them blessed? Sorry
John, we think it’ll take more than a miracle to sort out the problems
at U-Fit, but we look forward to being proved wrong.
We’ll be back next week to take another look at the wonderful world
of the Armstrongs.
Armstrongs' quote of the week:
John Armstrong:
'We could get rid of Sally and make the others think 's**t'…
…It’ll be like taking dynamite to a naked flame festival.'
At Work with the Armstrongs is on BBC2, Wednesdays, 10pm
Profile 22 Watches The Armstrongs - Episode 2
Back
for a second week of ‘The Armstrongs’ and we can only say things
have gone from bad…to worse.
After another terrible month of sales (perhaps the buying cheap selling
cheap philosophy is running out of steam?) and John’s reluctance
to get on the phone, the dotty couple are struck with an idea that just
might get their business back on track and inject some much-needed inspiration
into the lifeless proprietor.
So, with a £10,000 a week shortfall, John and Ann decide to make
for continental Europe with the ambition of selling ‘DIY Conservatoires*’
(music academies) to French builders via their new ‘Vous-Fit’
domain name.
While we’re all for businesses trying to open up new markets, you
do get the impression it would serve John and Ann better to get their
own house in order, before ploughing time and investment into unknown
territories.
Undeterred and armed with a Google translation of their sales pitch, a
replacement Jaguar (the original smashed by one of U-Fit’s own delivery
vans earlier in the programme), a sample window and an armful of brochures,
the intrepid twosome head off for the sunny climes of Montpellier.
Surprisingly, Ann and John’s departure seems just the thing to get
the absent sales staff back to the Coventry office - unlike Basil’s
life coaching, but more on that later…
After two meetings in France, with a sales pitch consists of pointing
at pictures and the sort of French learnt from watching Allo’ Allo’,
the Armstrong’s find out there is no market for their DIY conservatory
kits. The depressing thing is that a well-placed call to their local Business
Link could have put them in touch with the experts who could have helped
them establish this at the offset.
Meanwhile, we are left wondering whether the sales staff will take consultant
Basil’s Liberace and Arnold Schwarzenegger metaphors literally in
changing their lives for the good of the business - will we see machine
guns and sequinned suits in weeks to come? Who knows?
One thing is for sure, truth is stranger than fiction.
As always, Profile 22 will be with you next week for more of the Armstrongs.
Armstrongs' quote of the week:
Ann Armstrong: 'I wish I was that bird, that seagull or whatever. Then
I could just fly away and s**t on someone else’s head.'
At Work with the Armstrongs is on BBC2, Wednesdays, 10pm
Profile
22 Watches The Armstrongs - Episode 1
Except from coverage on the likes of Watchdog and Rogue Traders, it's
fair to say that until now the glazing industry has been fairly under-represented
on our TV screens.
At last, it is our turn to get the recognition we deserve - a primetime
slot, straight after Sir Alan Sugar's search for Amstrad's next tea boy/girl.
However, 'At Work with the Armstrongs' (the latest in a series of fly
on the wall 'reali-docu-drama-soapu-mentries') appears to be no advert
for an industry in turmoil.
Touted as 'the Office set in Coventry', episode one introduces us to married
couple and business partners John and Ann Armstrong who run Coventry's
third largest double glazing company U-Fit (presumably the first and second
were far too busy fitting to participate).
The context will be all too recognisable to many in the industry: After
several years of successful business, and well on their way to making
their first million, John and Ann's business has hit the skids.
Desperate to turn things around and 'get the bike back on the road', Ann
is inspired to bring in professional help to share her new found belief
in motivational theory with her (quite frankly lazy) sales force.
Worryingly, John's whole attitude to the industry is that it's all about
'getting rump steak for the price of half a pound of mince' - it is this
cut-costs approach, alongside a marked contempt for his team, that is
hitting not only his wife's dreams, but surely U-Fit's margins and the
profit opportunities for the industry as a whole.
The message is quite simple John: You get out what you put in and (excuse
the metaphor) people are generally prepared to pay a bit more for steak.
Sticking to his guns, John (who 'doesn't like consultants') sends a young
man packing after a barrage of mixed metaphors, before super-hyped Ann
convinces him to bring in the outside expertise of self-styled Zimbabwean
business guru Basil Meanie - albeit at a typically knock-down price.
While Ann laps up the business-evangelist's patter, you certainly get
the feeling that the rest of the staff are not quite so inspired - especially
new-boy David, whose cards are already marked and will be lucky to make
it with the company past his first World Othello Championships.
While it may not do anything for the public perception of the industry,
The Armstrong's is going to make interesting and at times uncomfortable
viewing over the next seven weeks. But don't worry, Profile 22 will be
here with you every step of the way to share our views and offer the voice
of reason.
Armstrongs' quote of the week:
Ann Armstrong: 'I see this business as a stealth bomber and I'm the pilot
of the Stealth Bomber. If things don't improve soon, I'm going to drop
my payload.'
(You really couldn't make this stuff up)
At Work with the Armstrongs is on BBC2, Wednesdays,
10pm
'I won't s**t on anyone's head unless I have to, but if I do, it will be from a very great height', said John Armstrong of U-Fit, Coventry's third-biggest double glazing company, who featured in the BBC programme Office Christmas Parties in December 2003. As a follow up, BBC2 is screening 'The Armstrongs', an access-all-areas insight into the unorthodox and sometimes ruthless business antics that are par for the course at U-Fit.
'Driven
by the desire for profit, management team John and Ann Armstrong are constantly
spying on their unwieldy sales force with CCTV cameras and phone taps',
says the BBC. 'But motivating the team is an uphill struggle and John
and Ann must resort to ever-more desperate measures to boost sales.' 'Despite their best endeavours, though, their plans backfire with alarming frequency. However, woe betide anyone who should get in the way of their dream of becoming multi-millionaires.'
In the original Christmas Office Parties programme, Ann explains: 'The film crews captured the trials and tribulations leading up to the office do – and it certainly wasn’t plain sailing for us'.
Viewers saw Anne introduce a 'clean desk policy' because she was fed up having to tidy up after people (most viewers wondering at this point why cleaners were not employed). Staff had to tidy their work areas every day, including emptying their own bins. One hapless employee had the temerity to query the new rules, the answer to which was 'just adhere to them or go and work somewhere else'.
'We were forced to switch the venue of our Christmas party from an Indian restaurant just days before it was due to happen. It was all quite hectic really. John conducted an important sales meeting dressed as Santa – and no-one even batted an eyelid – but he certainly wasn’t spreading Christmas cheer that day.'
It was at that meeting he uttered the following classic 'Brentism': with the sales force not hitting targets after he had raised them again and again, John tried to rally them with the immortal line 'Start aiming for the stars and you'll hit the moon'.
Another Brent moment came when some A4 colour invites to the party had been knocked up on the company computer, which were duly handed rounded to the office staff first. They were then asked to give them back so that the same invites could be recycled to the shop floor staff.
See our report on the Office Christmas Parties programme at:
http://www.theglazine.com/newsarchive/news100204.html#ChristmasOffice